Babies "R" a Scam

The Geek and I do not yet have any children. We like it that way. Don't get me wrong, we would love to have kids someday, but I need to get over something before that can happen. My problem: Babies "R" Us gives me panic attacks.

I have two friends who are currently pregnant. Of course, pregnancy usually inspires baby showers. Since I am friends with these two, I was invited to said showers. This requires a trip to Babies "R" Us to pick up gifts from their registries. Having no children of my own, I am entirely reliant on registries to determine appropriate gifts. If it were left to me, I would probably purchase an outfit or shoes, entirely impractical, unsuitable, and most likely the wrong size.

I approached this evening's shopping excursion with trepidation. The last time I had to do this, I had only one registry to work with and even that caused me to hyperventilate. Two was more than I could take. However, I was determined to prevail. I grabbed those bright yellow lists and went out into the wide baby world. I then realized that I knew nothing about baby supplies. So, in my limited knowledge, I began to wonder up and down the aisles, looking in vain for things that might possibly be on the list.

My mystified expression must have incited pity, for a salesperson soon came up to me and asked what I was looking for. I said stupidly, "A baby shower gift." She looked at me like I was an idiot, and then asked what item from I thought I might like to buy. I pointed to "POP Daisy Sheet." Confession, I picked this item only because it had the word "daisy" in it, and daisies are my favorite flower. She took me over to the appropriate aisle and pointed out a crib sheet. I didn't want to buy that, so I feigned interest, and then when the salesperson wasn't looking, I ran across the store to another section.

I wish I had bought the crib sheet. What awaited me on the other side of the store was an array of bottles and pacifiers which almost put me into heart failure. Out of 1 million different varieties, how was I supposed to find "2PK SZ1 NUK SIL BUTTON PACI"? Did you know that there are different sizes of pacifiers? I didn't. There are three sizes, dependent on age, two nipple designs (one of which is orthodontist-approved), two materials (silicon and latex), two kinds of handles, and an array of other custom features. These are all mixed into every possible permutation of pacifier available. And, don't even get me started on the "designer" pacifiers. There are ones with rhinestones, sayings ("Who's your daddy?" anyone?), and pictures of every Disney Channel character ever created.

Needless to say, I gave up on pacifiers, and settled for an easy gift, bottles (almost as complicated as pacifiers), burp cloths, and bath towels. I at least know that these are all useful and necessary gifts. I sheepishly took my purchase to the register and made a hasty exit, my head hanging in shame and my woeful ignorance. I then called the Geek in terror and informed him that I am never, ever going into that store alone again. Ever. I also told him that if having children required a trip to that terrifying store, I would never be having children. Ever.

This leads me to my point. Why, really is there a baby superstore? I'm sure that babies do not require customized pacifiers. I'm sure having two material options (silicon and latex) is important with allergies and all, but why everything else? I think the baby market, like most markets, has gotten completely out of hand. When I need a guide just to purchase a baby shower gift, then something about babies has gone seriously wrong.

The Geek is aware that I will not be entering that store by myself anytime soon, and he is ok with that. Perhaps, once I am initiated into the realms of motherhood, I will treat with joy a trip to the Mecca of babyville. Until then, I will continue to search in vain for "VINYL ZIP MATT COVERS."

OCD