My Bizarre Neuroses

In a further effort to really underscore just how OCD I really am, I believe I will start a series about my neuroses.

Up for first honor: my fear of cargo vans. Yes, you read it correctly. I am absolutely terrified of cargo vans; especially when the side windows are whited-out. I made the mistake of telling the Geek this, for which he began to make merciless fun of me.

It all began as a child, as all the best fears do. I was nearly blind, and had a habit of wandering off. My mother used to keep me on one of those child stretchy bracelet leash things so popular in the 80s. (Thank the Good Lord she did, otherwise I might be writing a post about how I had escaped a loony commune of hippies who had claimed me from the pound.)

Anyway, my mother told me that I should be careful around cargo vans, because bad men would pop out of them and "snatch" me. I didn't want to be snatched, so I stayed far away. This mantra of "snatching" was repeated throughout my young life, and into my teenage years. So, even to this day, I will park very far from the building to avoid parking next to a cargo van.

When the Geek found all of this out, he suggested there be a specific nomenclature for cargo vans, a code system, if you will. His "helpful" suggestions:

• All cargo vans should be labeled: hazardous, snatchy, or safe.
• Hazardous cargo vans should say the nature of the hazard: i.e. "This van contains a bunch of pot smoking hippies, not the sort you would like to associate with, but certainly not going to snatch you."
• Safe cargo vans should clearly state thus: "This is a simple plumber's van. He will do you know harm, and will in fact, cheerfully remove the clog from your drain."
• Snatchy vans: "This van contains a creeper, he will snatch you." "Warning! Occupants of this van will snatch pretty girls."

So, there you have it. Until the Geeks suggestions go into effect, I will be walking far more than is actually necessary. To those out in the blogging world, label your cargo vans!